Am I setting a boundary or a rigid expectation?

Mental health care has a definite presence in the world of popular culture so there always seems to be a current buzz word. From mindfulness to meditation; any time we toss around words with a one size fits all mindset the meaning and relevance can get lost. Terminology becomes watered down, trendy, and misunderstood. Boundaries and expectations are two of the most overused and often most misunderstood words that I hear in my office with regularity. In regard to our physical and emotional health, let’s take a moment to define a boundary and an expectation. 

Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend are among the most well known authorities in the area of personal boundaries. According to Cloud & Townsend a boundary helps us understand what we are responsible for. Said of boundaries; “they define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.” (Cloud & Townsend, 1992). It is easy to understand when we consider physical property. When we own a piece of land, it is contained within physical property lines that designate what I own and what I do not own. We apply the same logic to personal boundaries to understand what I am responsible for and what I’m not. 

In it’s most basic form, an expectation can be defined as a belief about what might happen in the future. When we apply expectations to personal behavior or relationship, that definition often changes from what might happen, to what should happen. Expectations are often confused with boundaries when we struggle to define our property lines. If I begin formulating expectations of other people and their behavior as if it is within my right to do so, I hit the slippery slope. I extend my property rights outside of what I truly own and am responsible for when these expectations become demands to control the behavior of someone else. 

You can already begin to see how quickly a relationship can enter complex and confusing territory. A desire to help and care for others can turn to codependent and enabling behavior just as easily as a desire for structure and security can result in inflexibility and ultimatums. We’ve already touched on enough content for countless conversations and self analysis. I always stress that you should choose carefully when you engage in conversation about personal and sensitive topics. Talk with someone you trust, who has your best interest at heart; a friend, family member or trained professional who is there to help you grow! Check back in a few days for part 2 of this post and we will briefly consider some questions that can help us begin to understand when and where we might find ourselves getting off track.

References:
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. S. (1992). Boundaries: When to say yes, when to say no to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Mich: Zondervan Pub. House.

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