The trap of rigid expectations and property lines

This is the second in a two part blog post exploring personal boundaries and expectations.

Holding rigid expectations for yourself and those around you creates a sense of anxiety and powerlessness. So how do you know if this is a problem for you? Begin by getting curious about your notion of boundaries… Where does your responsibility truly begin and end? When you think about an area of personal struggle, what part of the struggle are you responsible for and what extends beyond your control? Where do your expectations violate the property lines of others? Is your goal to protect yourself or have others abide by your rules?

Any time someone fails to adhere to your standards, it can create a negative perception of their intentions and motivations. When you fall into the trap that this anxiety creates, you are prisoner to your lack of control by becoming a prisoner to the actions of others. 

Ask yourself, is your peace of mind reliant on the behavior of others? Do you need someone to say or do things a certain way so that you feel ok? If you answered yes to either of these questions, then you might be struggling with boundaries, rigid expectations, or both. You may find yourself stuck in a trap where you have relinquished your personal power and happiness to things, circumstances, and people you cannot control. Many times there is an undercurrent of need; a void that you have longed to fill outside yourself that can stem from any number of situations that merit exploration. 

​We have all struggled to maintain healthy boundaries and expectations at some point in our lives. Only when we recognize that our methods are no longer working for us can we hope to create something different. We have to be open to change and the possibility that a different approach is necessary. There is nothing wrong with clear defensible boundaries and setting reasonable expectations for how we want to live our life. We enter into murky waters when we use either boundaries or expectations as a method of controlling others or as a measure of our own worth and value.

​Accepting that life and relationships contain both freedom and uncertainty churns up a lot of emotion; for some it creates anxiety knowing how much of life is beyond our control, to others it creates excitement and anticipation about the potential and possibility of our unwritten future. Somewhere in between lies a middle ground where we are free to dream and imagine what life will hold. It is only when our dreams are balanced with a measure of acceptance of the reality and unpredictability of our world will we be equipped to handle the curveballs that get thrown in our direction, because the curveballs always come.

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